Shedding Skins

Sometimes we duck our heads

And turn away from sight.

Sometimes we choose to succumb and yield,

Afraid to carry the fight.

Sometimes the crutch we think we need,

Eats and not heals our heart.

Sometimes the weight of unyielding hurt,

Blows us all apart.

But deep within the flame still flickers,

The joy of old persists.

The spark that charmed an ocean wide,

Refused to say desist.

It burns, though duller, deep within

Waiting for the day,

When once again the glow will rise,

And hold the hurt at bay.

The time for shedding skins is now,

Future joys are there to take.

Take courage in your love of one,

Leave all within your wake.

Reclaim your place on the mountain top,

Bellow your voice so high.

Reclaim the love within yourself,

The Me, Myself and I.

Brave forward with a smile so wide,

Stride strong with a glowing beam.

Leave behind the hurt amassed,

Leave only joy within the seams.

Accept the challenge! Accept the task!

Cast off the cloak of doubt!

Tell the world that you are back!

It’s time to shout! Shout! SHOUT!

Sunshine of the Soul

'In separateness lies the world's great misery, in compassion lies the world's true strength.' Buddha

Today started off really shitty. It shouldn't have started that way, after all I was spending the whole day with my boys and those days are always fun days. But it did. I woke with a headache that I couldn't budge with any amount of drugs and a tongue that felt as if it had been dragged across a carpenters workshop. I rarely get headaches so when I get one it frustrates the heck out of me. So what do you do in that type of situation? You vent your anger on a dear friend of course! Spread the love right? Yeah, yeah. I know. Not exactly the best course of action. To be honest it made me feel shittier.

Thankfully the forecast rain decided to hold off and my drive down to Grimsby was bathed in sunshine. The sun brightened my mood and by the time my boys greeted me I was in a much happier place. The wet sloppy kisses only made the day brighter. We headed out en route to one of Our Spots.....Port Dover and the beach. Port Dover has become a bit of a sanctuary for the boys and me....a place where we can leave the stress and sadness of a separated world behind us and just laugh. Just have fun. Just revel in the feel of sand between our toes and that sublime mixture of treats one only finds at the seaside swimming in our stomachs.....and of course then there are the boats!

Zack has always had a fascination with boats. I cannot remember a Birthday or Christmas that has passed without some gift having a nautical theme. A boat tour up the river was therefore a given. We were joined on our trip by a young family and a gaggle of six seniors. The myriad of pleasure craft lining the banks prompted a myriad of questions from Admiral Zachary du Kamp. The captain answered every question that was thrown his way and all too soon the dock was calling us home. Zack was one of the first to disembark and.....

That's when the magic started.

Despite being chock full of excitement and amped up on sugar, Zack turned back and held out his hand to help the first senior from the boat. He wasn't asked, he just did. His compassion was reflected back at him in the old lady's smile. Six times he held out his hand and six times the world got a little brighter......and my heart felt it. I thought to myself 'Now that's the kind of global warming I can embrace'. ;)

We have always taught our boys to give of themselves when they can. Its an incredible feeling when you see your children live the values you have tried to teach them. I swear the sun was shining even brighter.
The beach called next and as the boys constructed what I was later to learn was a castle that could defy the erosion of the tide, I sat and read my book. It was an incredibly peaceful and almost idealistic setting.

Then the magic happened again.

I first heard the words of encouragement. 'Come on Old Girl. You can do it! Good job!' Raising my eyes from my book I caught a glimpse of a man and his dog. After taking a closer look I saw that the dog was in a harness and her back legs were being supported by her owner. The 17 year old Border Collie tentatively but doggedly (no pun intended) made her way across the sand, words of love and encouragement forever ringing in her ears. I have never been one for pets. I have never really understood the connection that people develop with their animals.....but in that moment I got it....got hit right between the eyes! I stood up and thanked the man for teaching me that compassion, true compassion, is limitless. He smiled and explained her story. He finished by telling me that my kind words had given him a boost of energy. His comments reminded me that compassion is always freely given but often still exacts a cost. It is that willingness to give of oneself without reward that is truly inspirational.

My day had truly turned around! I felt alive with energy and screw Red Bull, I had a set of wings all of my own! We loaded up the truck and headed back to Grimsby; lots of smiles, lots of laughter and unfortunately thanks to Logan, lots of smells. :) We had barely left Port Dover when out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a car parked on the side of the road but facing in the opposite direction and in an area one would not normally pull over. It just seemed strange. I am not the most observant of people at the best of times and so I can't explain why with such a small glimpse I was able to discern that an elderly woman was behind the wheel.....but I did and I knew instantly what was required. I turned the truck around and approached the car to find an elderly Romanian couple pouring over Map Quest directions and hopelessly lost.

With the help of my GPS we were able to work out where they were trying to get to and in the end it was easier for us to just lead the way and let them follow us. The relief on their faces was evident and the thumbs up from the Gentlemen conveyed his thanks and relief. Their reactions on arriving at their destination, however, captured their true joy and true relief. With scant concern for the fact that we were completely blocking a main road, the woman practically jumped from her car and embraced me tightly.....before doing the same to Zack and Logan. :) The old man rushed to the trunk to retrieve a can of German beer he had brought with him all the way from Europe and proceeded to hug me as well, repeating softly in my ear 'you are a good man!'. It was a truly magical moment. We left the happy reunion, all feeling a few feet taller.

In the film Bruce Almighty the main character (played by Jim Carey) is forever being sent signs by God; signs that are meant to guide him into making the right decision. I truly believe that God was moving so very visibly in my life today. A day that started off so badly was transformed by two selfless acts of compassion. Two selfless acts designed to remind me of the joy I can bring to this world and not what I can take from it. Two selfless acts designed to remind me that compassion is limitless. Two selfless acts that in turn inspired me to also give freely of myself when the opportunity arose.  The fact that one of those selfless acts of compassion was reflected back at me in the face of my own son just reinforced the magic of God's love.

Jump!

As Autumn tumbles into cold,

As days renew but we grow old,

We fill our lives with stress and strife

And seldom contemplate this mortal life.

We fail to see the joy in living,

Fail to see the warmth of giving.

Too often fail to see sweet love divine,

Too often fail to taste the time.

In all the hubbub that clouds our mind

We need to find a way to cast behind,

The woes of today, the little things

That weigh so heavy and stop us sing.

For in our hearts such joy abounds

So much peace and love it can be found.

All we need is to find the key

And then concentrate on You and Me.

Let's spend some time in peaceful truth

Let's raise the rafters and be a goof!

Let's love so deeply, naked, strong

Transform our hearts to where they belong.

For the sands of time keep on flowing

Never stopping, never slowing

But in ourselves we have the power

To jump aside and smell the flower.

To taste the nectar that's all giving

To accept the gifts we are receiving.

To show the Lord with full esteem

We are thankful for all to us he streams.

Wet Flor

This is the sign that was posted on my kitchen wall one morning last year. I found out later that there had been a 'minor flood' while I had been sleeping and my eldest son had taken care of the mess (he had created). I'm not sure if he had posted the signs out of a genuine concern for my safety or if it was to give me a passive heads up of what to expect on entering the kitchen. In the end it didn't matter. The smile that consumed my face when I first saw the signs was stretched even further when I noticed the misspelled word (phonetic spelling is something Zack does when he's in a rush). I wore the smile for a week.

The sign still adorns the wall a year later. Lego models in various stages of construction, or destruction, still clog up my desk and the dirt smudge on the passenger side of the truck dashboard (from Spring 2011) still remains uncleaned. Zack's collection of war men (read disposable cream containers purloined from local restaurants) still hog the bottom shelf of the fridge and Logan's headboard still remains a disheveled mess of Happy Meal toys. It would drive some to drink....but in the world of the separated Father these are the signs of normalcy that prevent you from sinking into the quagmire of loneliness and self pity. These are the things that draw your attention as soon as you enter your dark apartment. These are the things that when touched with an idle hand transport you to a world of noise and smells and sibling rivalry that coddle rather than curse the heart. These are the things that allow you to look into an empty bedroom and see the two people you love most in this world snuggled up under the covers. These are the things that can make even the darkest day scream like a rainbow.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say I am lonely; rather I'm just temporarily alone. It can be hard sometimes; I can't and won't deny it. I think it would be hard on any parent in this situation, but for one that was as involved as I was in my children's lives on a daily basis, separation for any amount of time is a trial that tests even the most steeliest of resolves. You deal though. You find ways to cope with the distance and you find ways to cope with the knowledge that you won't ever again have the opportunity to kiss your boys goodnight EVERY night. You cope by celebrating every reminder of their presence, every word on the wind that sounds like they had spoken it, and every touch that feels like their hand in yours.

Out of necessity rather than desire, I find myself an hours drive away from my boys for most of the week. I know, I know, an hours drive is not that far. Heck I have driven further in search of a blueberry fritter. However, on a cold winters night with your sons on the other end of a phone line, it can feel like a lifetime separates you. Life is all about balance. We balance pleasure with pain, success with failure and love with.....I guess the absence of love. This balance is played out every week as I make that two hour round trip. The joy and expectation of the drive to pick them up is always threatened by what I call 'The Crash' on the way back - that feeling of instant loneliness that descends as I pull on to the QEW. I have spent many hours replaying my life on that long drive home, many hours contemplating the future. Its a tough drive and yes, from time to time there are tears.

I try not to dwell on the sadness though and instead start to plan their next visit. Where will we go? What will we do? What will this fledgling chef concoct that two picky eaters will consume? As I said, its all about balance....and clearing away the Lego or taking down the 'Wet Flor' sign would unnecessarily put my life out of balance. So there it stays.....and when I eventually leave this apartment that sign will come with me, a constant reminder that wherever my boys are in this world they are always in my heart.